(This post, from last year, was taken offline and archived with the 2009 posts. I re-post it today, at the request of a friend.)
As we go through life we cannot help but feel negative emotions from some interactions. Whether the upset is at a rude store clerk or someone who's caused us deep anguish, we often take the feeling in and hold onto it. Usually, we are not conscious of the damaging impact this has on our lives. By holding onto resentment, anger, jealousy, wounds of rejection, and other negative emotions we allow every new interaction to be influenced and shaped by them.
If you've had an unfaithful partner, and you are holding on to that pain when you meet another, the very thing you want to escape will color your behavior and bring suspicion into your new relationship.
If you've had a falling out with a family member and you are determined to have a better relationship, but you're still sore about the past, you will unconsciously infuse the new moments with the wounds of the past.
If you are determined to start anew and become the greatest expression of you, but you're not going to let anyone take advantage of you like they did before, you are a magnet for people who'd like to take advantage.
Retained negative emotions act as a smoky haze clouding our perceptions, feelings, creativity and motivations. When more negative experiences happen, and they will, the weight of the negativity grows. Lugging it all around is debilitating and can harm all aspects of life. In extreme situations, bitterness and cynicism become prevalent and then isolation because no one wants to be around someone like that.
Forgiveness improves our health, our relationships and our moment to moment well being. By letting go of the heaviness of negative thoughts and grudges we free up space for new experiences of love, inspiration, success, connectedness, health and power.
The bottom line: It is not about the other person or thing. Forgiving benefits the forgiver.
I make a conscious effort to let go of ALL negative feelings I have about ALL people in my life, past and present, 2-3 times a week. I do the best I can, sometimes I can't completely let go with one attempt, but I can over time. Join me.
What forgiveness is:
Forgiveness is the release of the persistent negative thoughts and feelings that we have about ourselves, others and events.
What forgiveness is not:
Forgiveness is not the acceptance of continued bad behavior. You are responsible for your care and safety, emotional and physical. When someone harms you, they have shown you who they are. Believe them. Thinking that they are someone apart from their behavior is your poor behavior. You are abused by another only once, regardless of how many times the bad thing actually occurs. The first time it is their fault, the remaining times are yours for continuing to subject yourself to that person/situation. Granted, their are exceptions (stalkers, random/unavoidable encounters, etc.) and sometimes people do change, but if the "change" is spurred by being caught (ie. Michael Vick, Tiger Woods), buyer beware.
How I forgive (There may be a way that works better for you – please share):
I am cerebral by nature and I gain a tremendous amount of power when my brain believes in what I am doing (faith is my growing edge). So I begin with the understanding that by holding on to unforgiveness, I am harming myself. That always gets my attention.
Second, I acknowledge that I cannot take the actions of others personally. I know that I am not the real cause of their behavior, anyone who triggered their fear or upset the way I had would receive the same treatment.
Third, I reflect on the truth I've chosen to live my life by: Love is the most powerful force in existence and I am one with it. I cannot hold on to unforgiveness and uphold my commitment to love too.
A final note. Often the one we must forgive is our self. Do that first and frequently.
Your life is waiting.
Photo credit:
I love this post. I loved my parents so much, but in their later years for various reasons I was so hurt by some of their actions. Their divorce, affairs, drinking and a bad second marriage for my mother. Both of my parents have died in the last 3 years. One from leukemia and the other from a Parkinsons related illness. For the few years leading up to both of their diagnoses I spent alot of time worrying about how to "forgive" them. I tried and tried. It became work for me to come to some forgiveness toward them. In my mind it just didn't happen. My mother had to go to a care facility. The wierdest thing happened. I walked into her room the first time and I forgave her. It literally washed over me. What I had been so troubled over was gone. I am not so sure that the right term for me was forgiveness or just acceptance. I accepted how she had chosen to live her life. I accepted the decisions that she made even though they were decisions that were hurtful. I had thought that to forgive meant everything was okay. That I just had to overlook how she was living her life. In reality I had learned that I loved her and I had more control over my relationship with her than I thought I did. I did not have to spend time with her in very volatile situations. I could disagree with her and if she chose not to talk to me because of our disagreement that would be her choice. I tried to quit being her victim and stand up for myself. "I love you mom, but I don't like what you are doing". I don't know if I am expressing myself well or not. I guess what I am saying is that while I did not condone my parents behavior I learned how to take care of myself, show myself some respect and not let those poisonous feelings I had toward them dictate my life. I hope I explained this properly……………………
Nicki,
First, forgive my late reply. Your message was buried in no less than 200 spam comments.
Your story is remarkable. You went through so much, but none of it was lost on you. That’s where the value comes in. I love your wisdom about ending victim-hood, resentment and learning to accept without necessarily approving. You’re brilliant.
In the midst of everything, you managed to forgive and free yourself. That is so powerful. So many never get there and they bear the wounds forever.
Peace and love to you.
Cynthia