Do you have relationships with zero perceived benefits?
Do they also cause you upset, stress and anxiety?
It seems obvious that one shouldn’t remain in a relationship like this, but we do. Often, we put up with untenable situations because:
1) We’re living in the past; and/or
2) We think we should
In truth, there is some benefit, whether we are aware of it or not, to everything we do. In the case of bad relationships, we often think back to good times and draw the conclusion that positive past memories warrant enduring an unhappy present. We delude ourselves into thinking things will magically improve one day.
Sometimes the past memories don’t exist or aren’t enough, but we remain because of the relationship’s title (spouse, child, sibling, parent etc.), what “they” will think, or because of the false image we’re living.
The feeling of doing what’s “right” or what we “should” do is our payoff, meanwhile we’re destroying ourselves.
To be clear, this post doesn’t apply to people who, because of age or illness, are changed. In that situation, we may well choose to give care and support while protecting our emotional health and turning to different people for support.
The focus of this post is on other situations we choose to remain in even though they tax our emotions, resources and peace. A few examples:
1) A parent of drug addicted daughter, who vehemently refuses to get clean, demands money, and routinely wreaks havoc on the family, feels that no “good” parent can cut their child loose.
2) A husband feels that divorcing his unfaithful wife, with a lover of 2 years, would appear as a failure to his children, family and collegues, so he remains.
3) A woman with a childhood best friend, who criticizes, belittles and gossips about her, stays friends because “we’ve been friends for so long”.
4) A man with a verbally abusive, toxic, mother who regularly lashes out at him and tells him that due to their parent-child status, he should take it, and he does.
Having spoken to each of the people above, the common denominator is that their whole life is negatively impacted (career, health, relationships, self image) by the harmful relationship. The years of flagrant insult have turned whatever love existed into resentment and guilt. Unanimously, they agree that were they to meet the other person today, they would have NOTHING to do with them.
Though often extraordinarily difficult,
relationships that do nothing but cause toxic stress must be released.
The ship is sinking and there is no sense in going down with it.
If the task feels overwhelming, as is common with addicted children, get help (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org; http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Home.html). Help exists for every type of letting go, seek it.
However great the pain is, one must make the self preserving choice to walk through it. There is hope and a better life on the other side of letting go. Doing nothing, is hopeless.
~ Cynthia
You are featured in BlogCatalog and I was intrigued enough to follow the links to your blog. You are an amazing, inspirational young woman (which means I'm not so young) and I think you are making a difference in this world. Thank you for sharing your story with so many people. It is at such times that the Internet shines. It's people like you who make it so.
Hi Bobbi:
I am humbled by your comment and honored that you took the time to write it.
Thank you,
Cynthia
You are featured in BlogCatalog and I was intrigued enough to follow the links to your blog. You are an amazing, inspirational young woman (which means I'm not so young) and I think you are making a difference in this world. Thank you for sharing your story with so many people. It is at such times that the Internet shines. It's people like you who make it so.
This is another good one, and echos a blog I wrote just a few short weeks ago, after the tough decision to remove someone from the inner circle of my life. I did not make the decision lightly and spent much time taking each aspect of our "friendship" into account.
I took great care in notifying her as well as others who might be upset by "MY" choice to stop her damage to my life…and then I clicked delete. I have not regretted my decision and in fact feel like it was the best choice for me.
Many times I find people like myself who will say "if you are true friends, you would not remover her", I simply reply "if she were a true friend she wouldn't give me cause to"
Thank you!
I think the situations vary so much that no one can accurately judge the truth of a friendship aside from the parties within it. I tend to explain very little to people around an issue. In the vast majority of my past connections, the door remains open, but the monsters (the negative aspects of the relationship) receive no food from me. It’s amazing how starving them can almost effortlessly remove someone from your life. Endings don’t always have to be distinct, just withdrawing the fuel for the fire is often all it takes. I trust you did what you needed to and I am happy you feel free.
This is another good one, and echos a blog I wrote just a few short weeks ago, after the tough decision to remove someone from the inner circle of my life. I did not make the decision lightly and spent much time taking each aspect of our "friendship" into account.
I took great care in notifying her as well as others who might be upset by "MY" choice to stop her damage to my life…and then I clicked delete. I have not regretted my decision and in fact feel like it was the best choice for me.
Many times I find people like myself who will say "if you are true friends, you would not remover her", I simply reply "if she were a true friend she wouldn't give me cause to"
Thank you!
I think the situations vary so much that no one can accurately judge the truth of a friendship aside from the parties within it. I tend to explain very little to people around an issue. In the vast majority of my past connections, the door remains open, but the monsters (the negative aspects of the relationship) receive no food from me. It’s amazing how starving them can almost effortlessly remove someone from your life. Endings don’t always have to be distinct, just withdrawing the fuel for the fire is often all it takes. I trust you did what you needed to and I am happy you feel free.
Getting rid of toxic people when they are "loved ones" can be really tough. I"ve had to do this twice. Not fun. I had to stop the energy drain.
I've been to Alanon and it really helped in a lot of ways, including with my Son. I now appreciate him in the moment, let him know that I love him and I want him to be safe. He has his own path and I do my best to stay on my Path of Greatest Fulfillment.
I appreciate you and all that you do.
Getting rid of toxic people when they are "loved ones" can be really tough. I"ve had to do this twice. Not fun. I had to stop the energy drain.
I've been to Alanon and it really helped in a lot of ways, including with my Son. I now appreciate him in the moment, let him know that I love him and I want him to be safe. He has his own path and I do my best to stay on my Path of Greatest Fulfillment.
I appreciate you and all that you do.
Chris – that’s a very mature place to be. I think it’s the most difficult with children. I’m glad you are able to get rid of the negative feelings and keep the loving up with your son. Staying on our own path, even acknowledging that we have one, is a very strong step. Bless you!
There are some people who just drain your energy, and you are left with nothing but the feeling of wanting to take a nap, or sleep something off…this is the time to bless
them and send them on their way…in a kind manner. And silently wish them peace.
Exactly, Elizabeth. Sending someone away in negativity isn’t sending them away at all. Forgiveness frees the forgiver. Be well 🙂