If your goal is to have loving, strongly bonded intimate relationships, build trust, or even just maintain a decent rapport with the people in your life, make it a practice to refrain from using the following inverse reaction inducing phrases:
- “You need to relax.” and “Just relax.” (An especially big NO to say to women during childbirth!)
- Calm down. Quit crying, etc. (Ditto)
- Trust me.
- Don’t take this personally, but __________________ (It’s personal.)
- I don’t mean to be rude, but ____________________ (You’re being rude.)
- I’m not trying to intrude, but _____________________ (You’re intruding.)
- (Insert whatever you claim not to be doing here), but _________________ (You’re doing it.)
- Well, it could be worse. (Couldn’t it always be worse? So what? This negates how someone is feeling.)
- You always make mountains out of molehills. (What good could possibly come of this one?)
- You are just like your mother/father, my ex, etc. (Ditto)
- Don’t get mad okay? (Oh, okay.)
- Someday you’ll have/You just need closure (Closure is for mouths.)
- Get over it. (Totally unhelpful.)
- Don’t overreact. (Right.)
- Just move on. (Just get away from me, okay?)
- Suck it up. (Ditto)
- Everyone knows ‘insert manipulative/belittling remark here’ (Everyone knows you’re being a jerk.)
- The fact/reality is ________ (This doesn’t make an opinion true.)
- You’ll get over it. (Um thank you?)
- If you ask my advice . . . (but I didn’t.)
- You are too emotional. (Your credentials, please.)
- I know just how you feel. (Never true.)
- When will you learn? (You aren’t helping.)
- You know I am your friend right? (Why tell people what they know? You know I’m a woman right?)
I know there are many more things that get in the way of bettering our conversations and relationships, please post them 🙂
~ Cynthia
Awesome! I love it!!
I’ve received a few requests for: What TO say instead . . . any ideas?
Hmmm…that would require some thought. However, I noticed that most…if not all of those were someone inserting an opinion where it probably wasn’t necessary…certainly not asked for. Closure, as you said, is for mouths! 🙂
I just covered two of those in one e-mail. Yikes.
Like all things, there are exceptions Julie LeBlanc Pampinella 🙂 You’re probably in there.
It’s funny, the things we say, thinking it’s proper or polite, but really, it sends a totally different message. Thanks for this – I am PRINTING it out and keeping it next to my computer for future reference! 🙂
Great! Hard to think of a time when these are ever useful.
say little, listen lots, consider any potential response carefully …. you can never really know where the other person is coming from or what they think they want to hear … often best to refrain from thinking you know better and more importantly refrain from offering an opinion unless specifically asked.
The exasperated moment when my clear superiority comes to a head is the moment I drop everything and go meditate. That’s my reality check. Upon reflection, I usually see myself as a very funny character. Thankfully, these days are ever more rare.
Any snarky comment is never welcome. 🙂
My sister-in-law called me once completely out of the blue to inform me that she and her husband couldn’t have children due to his low sperm count – I was so taken by surprise (we were never particularly close and I would never share such personal information) that my response was ‘at least you have your dogs’! Straight away I was mortified at how crass this was – but I did eventually get a chance to apologise for my insensitivity – and I’m now closer to my sister-in-law! xxx
HA HA HA! Sorry I am not saying that was good thing to do, but what’s done is done and the lesson was learned, but the funniness of it endures. OMG that’s funny. Thank you for sharing it. I think the worst thing I’ve ever said was when I was very young on a trip to Greece and one of the women couldn’t reach her husband for many days. I said, “Do you think he’s dead?” 🙂 How’s that for some enlightened understanding! All I can do is be grateful to have grown up . . . and laugh at it.
<3
“Would a hug help you right now”…”Love you”…”Go on, I am listening” (and then really focus on what is being said even if it is over the phone/internet ect).
How about, you seem like you’re going thru a tough time? Then take it from there.
Oh geez, I think I said some of the most terrible things lately..LOL. But I guess we learn through it all
Sure Shakirah 🙂 The point is to improve the future not create regret over the past. When we know better, we do better. And laughing at ourselves never hurts.
C
I knew a man who would always say to friends in situations both urgent or frivolous “I have faith in you” – It sounds so caring, so encouraging, so supportive, until you realize he really meant “and I am not going to spend a dime, waste a minute or lift a finger to help”
Your “do you think he’s dead?” as a child reminded me of my beloved grandson. When he was six, I asked, “When you are all grown up and can drive will you come visit Grandma?” “Sure!” he said with a big hug, “. . . if you live.” 😉
WOW I am laughing at this one too. My goodness that’s funny!
I totally get the, “I have faith in you comment.” Yuck. Though it might be worth a try on my teenager. 🙂
“Are you okay?” Said in a snarky, what’s-wrong- with-you kind of way. I was fine until you just said that!
Oh yes, that’s a good one.
It’s nothing personal, but can’t you just relax and go along for the ride? I heard this one recently.
That one’s upsetting!
What to say instead: Relate to the situation, don’t try to mirror it. Example: I had a similar situation happen to me, this is what happened, and how I dealt with it, maybe this could work for you. In the case, of “get over it,” “calm down,” you could say, I know this is a difficult time for you, things will get better and you’ll feel better about this experience because it has made you stronger.
Just some thoughts.
Wow! Those are biggies.
Too many times, we think we have to SAY something, when really we need to LISTEN. Then give the person a massive hug. That communicates love with no words. HOW SIMPLE AND PURE!!!!
I always find it helpful to ask rather than tell. Acknowledge what the person is feeling and then ask “What might be helpful for you at this moment?” Or “What do you need at this moment to attain Y?”
As to things that you should not say I would have to say
“Don’t feel that way” (Too late they already do) Instead maybe ask “what might be another way of looking at that?”.
People are ingenious at coming up with their own solutions, telling them what to do in most cases will not have the follow through that they will get by creating their own plan.
I love (being sarcastic) when people deny you of your experience and feelings. When I was coming out of a domestic violence situation, I worked for a corporation that advocates its support and contributions to victims. Well, I found the courage to reach out and an HR Manager said to me: “That’s not domestic violence, how can we help you?” ….. I will never forget how that made me feel. That was over three years ago, and ’til this day, nobody has helped. My son and I have been managing on our own. When people who are in a position to help and don’t, that experience is more hurtful than the traumatic experience itself.
Marisa, please don’t give up. There is help out there for you. Please give it another chance. You and your son deserve it. Forget the jerks and keep looking.
I’m sorry you’re hurting.
Love,
Cynthia
Marisa,
I was in a domestic violence situation YEARS ago. People just don’t understand. Also, people don’t like to look at the ugliness of this world. You’ve lived it. Believe in the good and the help you need will find you. Sending you love and light!
My dad passed away a year ago from cancer at the age of 55 and lots of people said things to me like “you will feel better soon”, or “time heals all wounds” and “I know how you feel” when they in fact DON’T know how you feel because they still have both of their parents. It has been a year and let me tell you time has not made me any less sad or taken away the tremendous loss I feel every time I think of him and how much I miss him. People should just think before they speak or before they try to “help”. Some situations call for something as simple as a hug or for someone to simply listen.
Crystal,
Wow, I’m really sorry for your loss and pain. You are absolutely right, no one can tell you anything that will help. In my time of grief, I heard a lot of things and they only irritated me. The one thing that helped me was a book (can’t recall the title) said change was guaranteed, all things change, including feelings and I would not always feel the way I felt that day. I held onto this shred of truth for a very long time.
People are uncomfortable when they see another in pain and they’ll do almost anything to stop experiencing it. It’s more about them than you.
I hope you know that you are feeling just the way you should. It’s time to love, care for, and be gentle with yourself.
Love to you,
Cynthia
Crystal,
I am really sorry too. I work in Hospice Care and there is really nothing anyone can say. There is no magic formula. It is tough because your friends move on like nothing has happened and you are still feeling the loss and pain of not having your father around. I have several close family members and friends that have said that after the death after a few days everyone went on like nothing happened. IT DID HAPPEN! I will pray for you and hope that someone realizes you just need to let it out and need a big hug!!!
Love and light to you darling! Love and light!
Here’s one I hear a lot from someone who purports to be a friend – “If I were you____________________(insert unhelpful and controlling “advice” here).
I had an older friend whose life was a train wreck, she was always telling me what she would do if she were me. I finally lost it and told her if I wanted the results she had gotten, I would surely follow her advice; but as I was sure I wanted to avoid what had befallen her, I would just use her as an object lesson of what NOT to do. And the friendship ended in 3, 2, 1….peace. ahhh
People tend to say clichéd, trite or strange things when they are trying to show empathy, sympathy or caring. They are uncomfortable in their own skin during this, and are just hoping for the moment to pass. The worst thing, after a death especially, is to hear the other person’s “death story/stories”. Everybody has one, it’s dreadful, and it says to the person who needs comforting that “it’s not as bad as what I had to go through”. Another doozer is “It’s all in God’s plan”. No matter what your spiritual persuasion is, no person can wrap their mind around this, and when I heard it at 12 years old about my brother, it made me hate God. I’ve come a long way since then, and understand more, but I will never, ever say that to another human being. With the loss that I have experienced in my life, I have learned that the best thing to say or hear is: “I’m very sorry for your loss, I’m here”. Another add in that I heard from a good friend was, “I don’t have the ability to understand the pain that you are in, but again, I am here.” That’s it, then shut up and listen. or just hug.There should be a new mandatory manners book used in schools for how to interact with people…Let’s create a syllabus, shall we?
Someone I loved deeply ended our relation and negated its validity. I had a complete emotional breakdown. I can’t tell you how many times I heard “get over it” “don’t tell me you’re still not over him” or some similar statement. It made me feel even crazier than I was 🙂
Just relax….In the dentist chair????!!!!!! This always just pisses me off to no end…thank you, Cynthia.
“You’re an idiot, but you’re my idiot.” And yes, I said it, and yes, I am divorced. Lol.
OMG! That’s awful and a hilariously bad choice.
I totally dislike when my family is trying to comfort me, my son suffers from schizophrenia, and I get emotional talking about him, and they tend to say ‘I wish there was more we could do”, or I wish we could help you but there’s not much we can do”, geezz I just tell them to leave me alone with my pain and suffering and to quit pretending to care, if they cared they would try to come visit me and spend time with me to show me I matter , or they would come visit so me and help with my son so my family an I can go do something. We don’t get to do much since he can’t be left alone. Please don’t try to make things right when you have not been there for me since the beginning, and pretend you really care when you can’t even call to see how I’m doing or my son is doing…
Have you tried, when they say that they wish there was more they could do, telling them exactly what they can do? Tell them. There IS something you can do! You can come visit me, spend time with me, spend some time with my son so I can get a little break. Tell them to call you, that you get lonesome for their voices, and that it helps just to know they are thinking and praying for you. If they live far away, tell them that you would love a gift of a regular visit from a caregiver to relieve you once a week. There are all kinds of ways to sponsor this online. Be very specific. If you don’t tell people what you need, they can’t always guess. If you HAVE told them and they don’t respond, keep telling them, kindly. Look for support elsewhere, through your church or a caregiver’s group. I hope and pray that you get the relief and support you are needing.
My favorite pastor was so funny. I was going through a difficult time, caring for an elderly relative and two small children, my husband was not doing well, and I was trying to run a business. I would show up in my pastor’s office and plop myself down every couple of months or so and just unleash everything. Being a very practical man, he would always try to get right to the root of the situation as soon as would run out of steam. “What do you need from me?” I would tell him “Father, if I knew what I needed, I wouldn’t be in your office…” It was, the perfect thing to say, though. It always got me moving toward a practical solution, or at least thinking about what I needed instead of how emotionally overwrought I was.
I avoid people who say that they’re “brutally honest.” Brutal honestly is just an excuse to say whatever hurtful thing one feels like with no accountability. After all, they’re just being brutally honest.
I have always heard variations of “you’re just too sensitive!” Usually, that was just someone’s excuse for being an a-hole! It always made me feel like I was all wrong inside. Like my awesome boyfriend says, it’s not possible to be too sensitive!