Comments on: What NOT to Say

By: Lynsey Kelly

Lynsey Kelly — Thu, 10 Jul 2014 01:08:00 +0000

I have always heard variations of “you’re just too sensitive!” Usually, that was just someone’s excuse for being an a-hole! It always made me feel like I was all wrong inside. Like my awesome boyfriend says, it’s not possible to be too sensitive!

By: Amy

Amy — Thu, 10 Jul 2014 01:06:00 +0000

I avoid people who say that they’re “brutally honest.” Brutal honestly is just an excuse to say whatever hurtful thing one feels like with no accountability. After all, they’re just being brutally honest.

By: allie B

allie B — Wed, 09 Jul 2014 15:19:00 +0000

My favorite pastor was so funny. I was going through a difficult time, caring for an elderly relative and two small children, my husband was not doing well, and I was trying to run a business. I would show up in my pastor’s office and plop myself down every couple of months or so and just unleash everything. Being a very practical man, he would always try to get right to the root of the situation as soon as would run out of steam. “What do you need from me?” I would tell him “Father, if I knew what I needed, I wouldn’t be in your office…” It was, the perfect thing to say, though. It always got me moving toward a practical solution, or at least thinking about what I needed instead of how emotionally overwrought I was.

By: allie B

allie B — Wed, 09 Jul 2014 15:11:00 +0000

In reply to Penelope. I had an older friend whose life was a train wreck, she was always telling me what she would do if she were me. I finally lost it and told her if I wanted the results she had gotten, I would surely follow her advice; but as I was sure I wanted to avoid what had befallen her, I would just use her as an object lesson of what NOT to do. And the friendship ended in 3, 2, 1....peace. ahhh

By: allie B

allie B — Wed, 09 Jul 2014 15:08:00 +0000

In reply to Yolanda Alcantar. Have you tried, when they say that they wish there was more they could do, telling them exactly what they can do? Tell them. There IS something you can do! You can come visit me, spend time with me, spend some time with my son so I can get a little break. Tell them to call you, that you get lonesome for their voices, and that it helps just to know they are thinking and praying for you. If they live far away, tell them that you would love a gift of a regular visit from a caregiver to relieve you once a week. There are all kinds of ways to sponsor this online. Be very specific. If you don't tell people what you need, they can't always guess. If you HAVE told them and they don't respond, keep telling them, kindly. Look for support elsewhere, through your church or a caregiver's group. I hope and pray that you get the relief and support you are needing.

By: Yolanda Alcantar

Yolanda Alcantar — Wed, 09 Jul 2014 05:52:00 +0000

I totally dislike when my family is trying to comfort me, my son suffers from schizophrenia, and I get emotional talking about him, and they tend to say ‘I wish there was more we could do”, or I wish we could help you but there’s not much we can do”, geezz I just tell them to leave me alone with my pain and suffering and to quit pretending to care, if they cared they would try to come visit me and spend time with me to show me I matter , or they would come visit so me and help with my son so my family an I can go do something. We don’t get to do much since he can’t be left alone. Please don’t try to make things right when you have not been there for me since the beginning, and pretend you really care when you can’t even call to see how I’m doing or my son is doing…

By: ResurrectingVenus

ResurrectingVenus — Wed, 09 Jul 2014 05:27:00 +0000

In reply to Robin C.. OMG! That's awful and a hilariously bad choice.

By: Robin C.

Robin C. — Wed, 09 Jul 2014 04:35:00 +0000

“You’re an idiot, but you’re my idiot.” And yes, I said it, and yes, I am divorced. Lol.

By: elizabeth peterson

elizabeth peterson — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 04:53:00 +0000

Just relax….In the dentist chair????!!!!!! This always just pisses me off to no end…thank you, Cynthia.

By: Gigi

Gigi — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 02:16:00 +0000

Someone I loved deeply ended our relation and negated its validity. I had a complete emotional breakdown. I can’t tell you how many times I heard “get over it” “don’t tell me you’re still not over him” or some similar statement. It made me feel even crazier than I was 🙂

By: Christine L. Mangnall-Schwarz

Christine L. Mangnall-Schwarz — Thu, 17 Jan 2013 02:28:00 +0000

People tend to say clichéd, trite or strange things when they are trying to show empathy, sympathy or caring. They are uncomfortable in their own skin during this, and are just hoping for the moment to pass. The worst thing, after a death especially, is to hear the other person’s “death story/stories”. Everybody has one, it’s dreadful, and it says to the person who needs comforting that “it’s not as bad as what I had to go through”. Another doozer is “It’s all in God’s plan”. No matter what your spiritual persuasion is, no person can wrap their mind around this, and when I heard it at 12 years old about my brother, it made me hate God. I’ve come a long way since then, and understand more, but I will never, ever say that to another human being. With the loss that I have experienced in my life, I have learned that the best thing to say or hear is: “I’m very sorry for your loss, I’m here”. Another add in that I heard from a good friend was, “I don’t have the ability to understand the pain that you are in, but again, I am here.” That’s it, then shut up and listen. or just hug.There should be a new mandatory manners book used in schools for how to interact with people…Let’s create a syllabus, shall we?

By: Jessica States

Jessica States — Thu, 17 Jan 2013 00:45:00 +0000

In reply to Marisa DiTommaso.

Marisa,
I was in a domestic violence situation YEARS ago. People just don’t understand. Also, people don’t like to look at the ugliness of this world. You’ve lived it. Believe in the good and the help you need will find you. Sending you love and light!

By: Jessica States

Jessica States — Thu, 17 Jan 2013 00:40:00 +0000

In reply to Crystal Newman.

Crystal,
I am really sorry too. I work in Hospice Care and there is really nothing anyone can say. There is no magic formula. It is tough because your friends move on like nothing has happened and you are still feeling the loss and pain of not having your father around. I have several close family members and friends that have said that after the death after a few days everyone went on like nothing happened. IT DID HAPPEN! I will pray for you and hope that someone realizes you just need to let it out and need a big hug!!!
Love and light to you darling! Love and light!

By: Penelope

Penelope — Thu, 17 Jan 2013 00:32:00 +0000

Here’s one I hear a lot from someone who purports to be a friend – “If I were you____________________(insert unhelpful and controlling “advice” here).

By: ResurrectingVenus

ResurrectingVenus — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 20:10:00 +0000

In reply to Marisa DiTommaso.

Marisa, please don’t give up. There is help out there for you. Please give it another chance. You and your son deserve it. Forget the jerks and keep looking.

I’m sorry you’re hurting.

Love,

Cynthia

By: ResurrectingVenus

ResurrectingVenus — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 20:09:00 +0000

In reply to Crystal Newman.

Crystal,

Wow, I’m really sorry for your loss and pain. You are absolutely right, no one can tell you anything that will help. In my time of grief, I heard a lot of things and they only irritated me. The one thing that helped me was a book (can’t recall the title) said change was guaranteed, all things change, including feelings and I would not always feel the way I felt that day. I held onto this shred of truth for a very long time.

People are uncomfortable when they see another in pain and they’ll do almost anything to stop experiencing it. It’s more about them than you.

I hope you know that you are feeling just the way you should. It’s time to love, care for, and be gentle with yourself.

Love to you,

Cynthia

By: Crystal Newman

Crystal Newman — Thu, 30 Aug 2012 13:17:00 +0000

My dad passed away a year ago from cancer at the age of 55 and lots of people said things to me like “you will feel better soon”, or “time heals all wounds” and “I know how you feel” when they in fact DON’T know how you feel because they still have both of their parents. It has been a year and let me tell you time has not made me any less sad or taken away the tremendous loss I feel every time I think of him and how much I miss him. People should just think before they speak or before they try to “help”. Some situations call for something as simple as a hug or for someone to simply listen.

By: Marisa DiTommaso

Marisa DiTommaso — Wed, 29 Aug 2012 19:51:00 +0000

I love (being sarcastic) when people deny you of your experience and feelings. When I was coming out of a domestic violence situation, I worked for a corporation that advocates its support and contributions to victims. Well, I found the courage to reach out and an HR Manager said to me: “That’s not domestic violence, how can we help you?” ….. I will never forget how that made me feel. That was over three years ago, and ’til this day, nobody has helped. My son and I have been managing on our own. When people who are in a position to help and don’t, that experience is more hurtful than the traumatic experience itself.

By: Gillian Draleau

Gillian Draleau — Mon, 21 May 2012 16:29:56 +0000

I always find it helpful to ask rather than tell. Acknowledge what the person is feeling and then ask “What might be helpful for you at this moment?” Or “What do you need at this moment to attain Y?”

As to things that you should not say I would have to say
“Don’t feel that way” (Too late they already do) Instead maybe ask “what might be another way of looking at that?”.

People are ingenious at coming up with their own solutions, telling them what to do in most cases will not have the follow through that they will get by creating their own plan.

By: Pamela

Pamela — Sat, 19 May 2012 13:28:36 +0000

Too many times, we think we have to SAY something, when really we need to LISTEN. Then give the person a massive hug. That communicates love with no words. HOW SIMPLE AND PURE!!!!