Two of my most popular posts are Forgiveness: The Most Selfish Gift and What Forgiveness is Not.

Many people know that genuine forgiveness is a self-healing and life-restoring act.  It clears away blockages in our hearts, minds, and lives. Victim-hood ceases where forgiveness begins.   After true forgiving, one is freer, lighter and more able to create the life their hearts desire.  The benefits are clear.

In addition to the very appealing benefits of forgiveness, our society and religions promote it as something “good” people do.  This gives rise to the inference that, by not forgiving, we are bad people.

Eager to escape pain, upset, and the perception that somehow they are “bad” if they can’t forgive right now, people attempt to make an end-run around their feelings and go straight to forgiveness.  Brimming with unresolved emotion, they repeat the mantra, “I forgive you.” while hemorrhaging inside.  This is not forgiveness; it is denial. It is a mistake.

Before we can truly approach forgiveness we must deal with our feelings.  We must experience and understand them.  We may feel vicious and angry or broken and devastated.  These feelings must be acknowledged and expressed in a way that does no harm.  We can express them by talking, writing, crying, yelling, boxing, painting etc.  Everyone is different.

Getting to the point of truly being capable of forgiving is a process and it can take time, sometimes a very long time.  It’s okay to be honest and honor the fact that we aren’t ready to forgive yet.  Just knowing that we intend to get there and we are willing to do the work required is enough.

Remember to love yourself the way a parent to the most precious child in the universe would.  Be patient, gentle and understanding.  Persevere and trust that the time will come when you can let go and forgive.  When it does, your life will be transformed.  In the meantime, forgive yourself for not being ready to forgive.

Photo Credit:

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