Photo credit: Julie Mcleod
Most of us were taught that labels like “mother,” “friend,” “brother,” etc. are something more than words used to describe how one knows another.
As a society, we attach tremendous meaning to labels and consequently suffer intense upset when people fail to live up to our definitions. We judge the label-wearer harshly and, bound by our perceived future guilt, we stay in unsatisfying relationships, tolerate unspeakable behavior and endure consistently poor treatment.
Marriages, bloodlines, familial or professional associations do not, on their own, create good, healthy or true relationships. The value of a relationship is in its quality, not its title.
I have sisters with whom I share no biological link and blood relatives that I haven’t spoken with in more than a decade.
It’s possible, and a blessing, to be born to a family who actively loves and cares for us, but it isn’t always so. Families are an amalgamation of assorted personalities, capacities and values. It’s natural that the full spectrum of wonders, maladies and challenges are represented. As primary advocate, protector and caregiver for ourselves, we must work to improve relations or, where that isn’t possible, remove ourselves from harm’s way.
I was born into a family with a few racially prejudiced members. As a child, I struggled with the conflict between society’s familial images and the truth.
We must always choose to live by the truth.
When I grew older, and wiser, I realized that I didn’t have to remain in unhappy situations. I didn’t need to cause a firestorm of upset either. I could release myself and the label-wearer of all obligations, free myself from the upset, and let go in peace.
I went on to create a new family, brimming with people who have one thing in common, genuine love and regard for me. Words can’t adequately convey my feelings for them.
Choosing to move away from harmful, unhappy relationships creates space for real, substantive connections. It improves one’s self-image and garners self-respect. This confidence effortlessly attracts others with similar mindsets. As a result, all of life changes.
There are situations where one may choose to compromise their peace and comfort to bring happiness to another, but when doing so one must understand the motive for the choice, clearly identify a benefit, and do no harm to anyone, including and especially to oneself.
What a timely piece of writing when many are going through the motions of dealing with relatives – myself included.
This part particularly resonated: "Choosing to move away from harmful, unhappy relationships creates space for real, substantive connections. It improves one's self-image and garners self-respect. This confidence effortlessly attracts others with similar mindsets. As a result, all of life changes." My partner and I have discussed the transformation that can take place from these acts of self-love when it comes to 'people with labels.'
A beautiful rainbow of hope you have shared with these words: "I went on to create a new family, brimming with people who have one thing in common, genuine love and regard for me."
Love your writing and the place it comes from, Cynthia.
Namaste,
Denise
What a timely piece of writing when many are going through the motions of dealing with relatives – myself included.
This part particularly resonated: "Choosing to move away from harmful, unhappy relationships creates space for real, substantive connections. It improves one's self-image and garners self-respect. This confidence effortlessly attracts others with similar mindsets. As a result, all of life changes." My partner and I have discussed the transformation that can take place from these acts of self-love when it comes to 'people with labels.'
A beautiful rainbow of hope you have shared with these words: "I went on to create a new family, brimming with people who have one thing in common, genuine love and regard for me."
Love your writing and the place it comes from, Cynthia.
Namaste,
Denise
Thank you, Denise. I appreciate you sharing with me.
It's wonderful that you have someone willing to walk beside you.
Happy Holidays,
Cynthia
Thank you, Denise. I appreciate you sharing with me.
It's wonderful that you have someone willing to walk beside you.
Happy Holidays,
Cynthia
In this season of hope, expectation and gift giving, thank you for sharing your gift with the world!
I hover every now and again looking for new posts and in them I always find a fresh perspective, affirmation and even conviction. I have never commented before but the post resonated so deeply for me I just wanted to say thank you.
I appreciate the recognition that often this season and other times of family gathering can be bittersweet for so many because the reality of connection looks and feels so very different from fantasy of connection.
And yet it feels good to be reminded that it's ok to realease from all liability the label holders who cannot or will not live up to our expectations. What an unexpected blessing to know that in releasing others, we are in fact releasing ourselves from the cycle of disappointment. How reassuring to know that we have the power to recreate and redefine our connections and that even if no one in the room carries a traditional label, if there is love – there is family!
Blessings to you this day and everyday as doors of opportunities continue to open for you to share your wisdom with the world!
Jacqueline:
Thank you so much for acting on the impulse to write. The very best part about this site, for me, is the people I get the privilege of connecting with. When I write, I ask the Universe (Spirit, God, you choose) to use me. I ask to be an instrument and put forth something of value to someone who will see it. Feedback is my confirmation. I am always grateful.
You are brilliant and inspired:
“What an unexpected blessing to know that in releasing others, we are in fact releasing ourselves from the cycle of disappointment. How reassuring to know that we have the power to recreate and redfine our connections and that even if know one in the room carries a traditional label, if there is love – there is family!”
Thank you for gifting me such grace and wisdom. Bless you.
Cynthia
In this season of hope, expectation and gift giving, thank you for sharing your gift with the world!
I hover every now and again looking for new posts and in them I always find a fresh perspective, affirmation and even conviction. I have never commented before but the post resonated so deeply for me I just wanted to say thank you.
I appreciate the recognition that often this season and other times of family gathering can be bittersweet for so many because the reality of connection looks and feels so very different from fantasy of connection.
And yet it feels good to be reminded that it's ok to realease from all liability the label holders who cannot or will not live up to our expectations. What an unexpected blessing to know that in releasing others, we are in fact releasing ourselves from the cycle of disappointment. How reassuring to know that we have the power to recreate and redefine our connections and that even if no one in the room carries a traditional label, if there is love – there is family!
Blessings to you this day and everyday as doors of opportunities continue to open for you to share your wisdom with the world!
Jacqueline:
Thank you so much for acting on the impulse to write. The very best part about this site, for me, is the people I get the privilege of connecting with. When I write, I ask the Universe (Spirit, God, you choose) to use me. I ask to be an instrument and put forth something of value to someone who will see it. Feedback is my confirmation. I am always grateful.
You are brilliant and inspired:
“What an unexpected blessing to know that in releasing others, we are in fact releasing ourselves from the cycle of disappointment. How reassuring to know that we have the power to recreate and redfine our connections and that even if know one in the room carries a traditional label, if there is love – there is family!”
Thank you for gifting me such grace and wisdom. Bless you.
Cynthia
Family are people with whom one had spent a lot of time. They might have given birth to you. They might have cleaned you, fed you, nursed you. They might have shared the same litter as you, when you all were small, gone to school with you, giggled and cried with you, got dirty and got cleaned with you.
Now, they obviously could hold different viewpoints from you, could even be very different from you, could even mistreat you, of course. But still, they’re family! Read the above again! Learn to accept them for who they are, accept their difference, accept that they could hurt you and don’t let that happen again. BUT, accept them as family, part of your history, part of your past and present.
To walk away from family, is to sever a part of you. Imagine the pain! You might not feel it, you might not see it, but I believe it is buried there, somewhere, maybe crying a very small cry, but never totally gone.
It’s difficult to imagine someone who is all “harmful”, all “infective” like you claim. If you treat your family as nicely and kindly as your new friends, would they reflect the same to you? And so, instead of cutting away a part of you, have you reached out respectfully to the good side? Ask yourself if you have done your part?
Doug – your comment tells me one of two things 1) you have never experienced harrowing harm, destruction or abuse within your family, or 2) you are too attached to your beliefs about family to see otherwise. I hope it is the former.
To walk away from abuse (emotional, sexual, physical) is severing oneself from harm, nothing else. It is of absolute and paramount importance. Remaining in harmful situations destroys oneself.
The contention that if one were to treat their family as good as new friends, they would be treated better fails. I’m not talking about petty disagreements and differences of opinions here, this should be obvious. For the sake of example, take child abuse (there are SO many other abuses, but this one is simple to explain). Thousands of children die (in just America the numbers are greater in many other places) at the hands of their family members. In no way are children responsible for their abuse and the best outcome would be for a new family to take the child.
To me family is not defined by blood relation or time spent together, instead it is defined by the qualities of the relationship. A man who gives the sperm to create a child he abandons is not a father, the man who steps in to raise the child earns that title. A stay at home alcoholic mother who beats her infant is not a mother, the sister-in-law who adopts and raises the child with love and protection is the mother.
Appearances, words, titles, beliefs and societal images are no substitute for substance and truth.
Be well,
Cynthia
Family are people with whom one had spent a lot of time. They might have given birth to you. They might have cleaned you, fed you, nursed you. They might have shared the same litter as you, when you all were small, gone to school with you, giggled and cried with you, got dirty and got cleaned with you.
Now, they obviously could hold different viewpoints from you, could even be very different from you, could even mistreat you, of course. But still, they’re family! Read the above again! Learn to accept them for who they are, accept their difference, accept that they could hurt you and don’t let that happen again. BUT, accept them as family, part of your history, part of your past and present.
To walk away from family, is to sever a part of you. Imagine the pain! You might not feel it, you might not see it, but I believe it is buried there, somewhere, maybe crying a very small cry, but never totally gone.
It’s difficult to imagine someone who is all “harmful”, all “infective” like you claim. If you treat your family as nicely and kindly as your new friends, would they reflect the same to you? And so, instead of cutting away a part of you, have you reached out respectfully to the good side? Ask yourself if you have done your part?
Doug – your comment tells me one of two things 1) you have never experienced harrowing harm, destruction or abuse within your family, or 2) you are too attached to your beliefs about family to see otherwise. I hope it is the former.
To walk away from abuse (emotional, sexual, physical) is severing oneself from harm, nothing else. It is of absolute and paramount importance. Remaining in harmful situations destroys oneself.
The contention that if one were to treat their family as good as new friends, they would be treated better fails. I’m not talking about petty disagreements and differences of opinions here, this should be obvious. For the sake of example, take child abuse (there are SO many other abuses, but this one is simple to explain). Thousands of children die (in just America the numbers are greater in many other places) at the hands of their family members. In no way are children responsible for their abuse and the best outcome would be for a new family to take the child.
To me family is not defined by blood relation or time spent together, instead it is defined by the qualities of the relationship. A man who gives the sperm to create a child he abandons is not a father, the man who steps in to raise the child earns that title. A stay at home alcoholic mother who beats her infant is not a mother, the sister-in-law who adopts and raises the child with love and protection is the mother.
Appearances, words, titles, beliefs and societal images are no substitute for substance and truth.
Be well,
Cynthia
Cynthia thank you for addressing this issue because i experienced having to cut ties with family because of extreme abuse and when i did i was berated for doing so . Thankfully i stood my ground and didn’t allow my self to be pressured into going back to
Cynthia thank you for addressing this issue because i experienced having to cut ties with family because of extreme abuse and when i did i was berated for doing so . Thankfully i stood my ground and didn’t allow my self to be pressured into going back to
I was shocked that this is the topic because I so NEEDED to hear it. I have a question that I would love feed back to. For the past 2 years I have lived in constant misery in my own home. Here’s the Cliff Notes: It’s just me and my now 17 yr old son in my home. There are no other family members. He is choosing to abuse drugs and alcohol. He wants no help because he feels that he has no problem. He says that it’s no big deal he just likes to get high. I sleep behind a lock door every night since he told me he would kill me in my sleep. I don’t have the to power to throw him out in the cold. How do I make it through the next year? I love my son. I just don’t like living in the same house with him.
BALINDA – I would take those threats seriously and reach out to both the authorities and available helplines (http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/crisis_hotlines.htm). You need support from people versed in handling people who are destructive to themselves and others. The question is not, how to make it through the next year under these circumstances. The question is how can you obtain peace, safety, and the support you need while taking actions to help your son. Help is not always warm, easy or nice. It is kind though it may appear harsh. You will need support to learn and carry out what you’ll need to do. Give yourself that NOW. You will not resolve the current issues by ignoring or tolerating them; that will only delay having to take measures that have a chance to heal the situation.
I’m so sorry you’re struggling. There is hope and you deserve peace. Do what you need to do.
LOVE TO YOU,
Cynthia
I was shocked that this is the topic because I so NEEDED to hear it. I have a question that I would love feed back to. For the past 2 years I have lived in constant misery in my own home. Here’s the Cliff Notes: It’s just me and my now 17 yr old son in my home. There are no other family members. He is choosing to abuse drugs and alcohol. He wants no help because he feels that he has no problem. He says that it’s no big deal he just likes to get high. I sleep behind a lock door every night since he told me he would kill me in my sleep. I don’t have the to power to throw him out in the cold. How do I make it through the next year? I love my son. I just don’t like living in the same house with him.
BALINDA – I would take those threats seriously and reach out to both the authorities and available helplines (http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/crisis_hotlines.htm). You need support from people versed in handling people who are destructive to themselves and others. The question is not, how to make it through the next year under these circumstances. The question is how can you obtain peace, safety, and the support you need while taking actions to help your son. Help is not always warm, easy or nice. It is kind though it may appear harsh. You will need support to learn and carry out what you’ll need to do. Give yourself that NOW. You will not resolve the current issues by ignoring or tolerating them; that will only delay having to take measures that have a chance to heal the situation.
I’m so sorry you’re struggling. There is hope and you deserve peace. Do what you need to do.
LOVE TO YOU,
Cynthia
This is beautiful. I felt obligated to my biological family for a long time. The did unspeakable harm to myself and my daughter. Luckily, my son was spared the pain.
Learning to attract my tribe. The ones who support me and love me for me. Who’s ideas and beliefs are closer to my own.
That’s wonderful, Jessica. I’m happy for you.
Cynthia
When I read this article. I felt it was written with me in mind. I have been born into a family of alcoholism and abuse. Growing up watching family members try to inflict their pain on me. I was the “responsible” one. So I guess I grew up to be the doormat. I then learned to pick men who did the same. When you grow up with that, you think thats normal. Until you get so hurt and disappointed throughout your life at people who hurt that you want to isolate yourself. I just dodged a bullet by gettin out of a narcissist/alcoholic relationship and feel blessed. Oh, how we learn! An I have finally started to make that space I have the strength to love me. Doug, if you had gangrene in one of your limbs and needed to sever it to live, would you? Its the same thing. I think some people get caught up in the tape they play in their heads like “theyre family, so regardless if they are destructive and and dont show love, I need to keep the dysfunctional relationship going. All this is a another form of denial. Believe me, I’ve heard your reasoning before.
Bridget – It is so important for people who are still in the woods to hear from people like you. So many feel that things can never be better. You give hope.
Bless you!
That’s wonderful, Jessica. I’m happy for you.
Cynthia
Bridget – It is so important for people who are still in the woods to hear from people like you. So many feel that things can never be better. You give hope.
Bless you!
I agree with Doug. You’re walking away with no care about the people that make up your family. They are who they are. As you are the person you are because of family. Just because you get hurt does not change the facts they are blood. You have a very liberal outlook and thinking you can replace family with friends or someone else. You state Doug does not know how you feel because he was not abused. Really? This is happens to be your grounds for turning your values and back on family. Funny how turning on family is ok these days.
P.S. I had the abuse and lost a parent. Comparing notes is not my issue. My advise like yours is take it or leave it.
You need to make peace with family. You may not like them but you have to love them. Believe in God. Trust the fact that he gave you the family you have for a reason. You are who you are because of them. If you do not love them how can you love yourself? Life is full of ups and downs and you’re running.
Face it — fix it-come to peace with it-you agree to disagree with others it is the same with family. Grow up. You are young and still need to learn many things in life. Someday lets see if you change your song. Good luck on the new age love. It does scare me young kids will believe you and what you’re selling.
Thank you for sharing, Dee. I couldn’t disagree with you more, but I respect your views, nonetheless. Blood is bodily fluid and does not a relationship make. I have a bevy of friends with adopted children to attest to that.
I love every single person in my family (we’re going 20 years strong) and many of us are not related by blood, a few are homosexual, some old, some young, and we are every color of the rainbow. Bless it all.
Peace to you.
Cynthia
I agree with Doug. You’re walking away with no care about the people that make up your family. They are who they are. As you are the person you are because of family. Just because you get hurt does not change the facts they are blood. You have a very liberal outlook and thinking you can replace family with friends or someone else. You state Doug does not know how you feel because he was not abused. Really? This is happens to be your grounds for turning your values and back on family. Funny how turning on family is ok these days.
P.S. I had the abuse and lost a parent. Comparing notes is not my issue. My advise like yours is take it or leave it.
You need to make peace with family. You may not like them but you have to love them. Believe in God. Trust the fact that he gave you the family you have for a reason. You are who you are because of them. If you do not love them how can you love yourself? Life is full of ups and downs and you’re running.
Face it — fix it-come to peace with it-you agree to disagree with others it is the same with family. Grow up. You are young and still need to learn many things in life. Someday lets see if you change your song. Good luck on the new age love. It does scare me young kids will believe you and what you’re selling.
Thank you for sharing, Dee. I couldn’t disagree with you more, but I respect your views, nonetheless. Blood is bodily fluid and does not a relationship make. I have a bevy of friends with adopted children to attest to that.
I love every single person in my family (we’re going 20 years strong) and many of us are not related by blood, a few are homosexual, some old, some young, and we are every color of the rainbow. Bless it all.
Peace to you.
Cynthia
Wonderful to read, this piece mirrors my thoughts, feeling and experiences exactly.
Interesting read and I totally agree with you, Cynthia. One can love family but still remove ourselves from harms way, as you say.
It is very hard to stay true to ourselves when we expose ourselves constantly to negative relationships, family or friends. When we do not value ourselves, that is when we allow others to disrespect our bounderies. It is so hard to get out of that state of mind unless we surround ourselves with those who value us. Hence, “removing ourselves from harms way.”
One of your readers said, ” If you do not love them how can you love yourself?” Unfortunately, you have to possess love within yourself and love yourself first before you can begin to give love.
Cynthia, thank you, once again for your words of reassurance.