Photography by Liza Becker
There are milestones on the journey to self-actualization. This week I reached a big one. I received a letter from my accountant’s collection department instructing me to call them with my credit card number immediately because my bill was long past due. The tone of the note was curt, authoritative, and scolding. As you can guess, I was wrongfully accused.
I paid the bill months ago and as I pulled up an image of the cancelled check, my computer froze. (Many people believe in the Mercury retrograde phenomenon and yes it happens to be happening now, but I have my own sort of retrograde energy disruptor. It’s fail-proof. Whenever I am upset, or pulsing with irritated energy, every electronic around me jams or breaks. Telephones, printers, copiers, computers, coffee machines, refrigerators, cars, and blow-dryer are all susceptible regardless of the stars.)
I was ticked off at being unfairly accused and, because of my computer’s lock up, I couldn’t send the snarky retort I wanted. It would have gone something like this:
Aren’t you an accounting firm? If there’s anything you should be able to keep track of, IT’S MONEY. Here’s proof that I paid your stinking invoice months ago. Now step off!
Blessedly, I could only wait and observe myself as my computer took an eon to fix itself.
I’ve learned to ask myself what’s troubling me repeatedly, until the root source of the upset is revealed. I highly recommend this practice because whatever we react to is so much more about what’s going on inside of us, where our wounds are, than anything else.
Why am I irritated at all?
Someone at the accounting firm made a mistake, that’s all. It happens.
Then the answer came. I was upset because I’d been wrongly accused. I’d done nothing wrong and was being treated as though I was bad and disliked. Ahhh my old wound. This wound is decades old and from a time when having people approve of me meant more to me than my next breath. It’s a wound I’ve made great strides in healing.
I sat quietly looking at the place inside me that’s still harboring those old feelings and by shining light on them, my reactive feelings lifted.
I’m not a lost child anymore and I don’t need others to be pleased with me. Whatever the person writing the email thinks about me doesn’t matter. What I know about me is what matters.
What came next
My computer came back to life. I drafted a polite note—the kind I’d want someone to write to one of my children, if they’d made a similar mistake—and attached a copy of the cashed check.
I responded the way someone whole, healthy, and independent of the opinions of others would. As a self-actualized person, I still may not like being caught up in someone else’s mistake because it’s distracting, but that’s about as far as it goes. I wouldn’t react emotionally.
Within an hour, I received an email explaining what happened, profusely apologizing, and thanking me for my kindness and understanding.
This email didn’t mean anything about me either.
I’d love to learn about your experiences with this. Leave me a comment and tell me: Do you lose your power to meaningless events? Do you get upset when people see you in an unflattering untrue way?
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going through this right now, trying to figure out the answer to the riddle of why men are smitten with me, pursue me, and then leave as soon as I feel safe, questioning what is “wrong with me” that makes them leave. My gut reaction should be “what is going on with them?” and to trust in the universe that my love life is unfolding just the way it is supposed to, but I guess when there is a pattern, it gets harder and harder to remind yourself of the truth.
I so get this episode and so admire how you resolved it.
That is one of my trigger points – that perhaps I am remiss financially and am
a ‘bad child’ to be scolded. The time it took you to calm down, breathe and
handle it maturely was a short gap. I’ll aim for that next time it happens to
me. My own episode was the other day. I was parked in free parking on a street
that has a premium of parking. I was checking my email on my phone. A woman in
a van parked behind me, (I didn’t realize it right away) and honked loudly –she
wanted my spot! I shook her off with a head shake –after all, why couldn’t I
stay in ‘my’ spot and check my mail? But in a second I realized –I could easily move (even though I found
her rude), pull over up a ways a bit, give her the precious spot. So I just
shrugged inside, moved and parked elsewhere. Seconds later there was a knock on
my window and there was the woman, with a huge smile, a big thumbs up gesture
and mouthing the words: Thank you (through my window). Her smile was genuine and
appreciative and it made my day. I don’t know why I even held onto the ‘free’
spot – I don’t like being told what to do or intruded on but the truth was – it
was just about parking.
It seems as though the retrogrades I experience similiar situations. If it isn’t lost communication by phone, computer etc., it’s lost contact and communication to people physically. I might even loose my phone. I feel as though I’m the only one that is experiencing disconnections; it can be frustrating.
I know how you felt completely because I just went through the same situation with my guy friend last night…..funny! We got in an argument over a movie disc believe it or not; and in my mind and out loud I was like, are you serious, over a movie disc. What made it so comedic now but, ofcourse not at the time, is how he started accusing me of being like people in his past and questioning my motivations and going over how genious he is and on and on and on! OMG it was so surreal.
I got real irritated and frustrated, I almost wanted to cry but I didn’t let myself. I was even more frustrated because I was getting frusrated. So for sure I definitely hit his wound and he most assuredly made sure he found mine!
Later I felt bad because it wasn’t me to react the way that I did and how I felt…accusations…I see now that I really hate that because I want people to see me the way I see myself because at that moment I cared how he viewed me and what he thought about me more then I thought about myself. Instead of trusting my authenticity within and staying in my core I allowed myself to be thrown off.
But what I do love about it is…lol…he is teaching me so much and I have to take that experience and be reminded of the bigger picture…!
Thanks for this post. 🙂
Oh my goodness, you better PREACH!! I have been in this spot and have responded negatively and it always came back to haunt me. I have since learned to slow down and not respond until I am calm. Electronics don’t lock up around me but I kind of wish they would! I am just learning to remember that I am an adult (44 years old) and that I have control over what I say and do. I don’t have to jump right away to “protect” myself. The “I’m going to get you, before you get me” attitude is getting old. The drama of it all makes me tired. Funny this is, I don’t like for people to see me “not in control” of situation. I don’t know, I’m slowly but surely working my way out of the fog.
Not any more. As of this writing I am 64 years old. Three years ago all by myself I decided to work on patience. One thing I MAKE myself do is to wait 24 hours before responding to ANYTHING. Even if I have to set a timer, write a note on my calendar. This intentional delay allows me to #1 breathe #2 double check my motives and #3 check out my goal. A very similar sequence put in place by the computer malfunction. I get to choose to delay and it works for me. : )
i’ve got a BETTER/WORSE situation. I was “fired” by my Doctor with no reason mentioned nor opportunity to give my side of the “story”.
It has been extremely interesting figuring out how to handle it. First, I accepted it as a reality in my life; the same as any other accident/negative happening/tragedy/crap that randomly happens to all living people. Then trying to be true to my integrity and character I have had fun exploring different responses. Very Enlightening for Me!